It’s been a long time since I have written anything with the express purpose of posting it online. I am doing it at this time for one reason, darling.
It was a warm day and we decided to float the river again. I was very excited. We had packed a picnic lunch wit ha plan to stop along the bank somewhere. This time there were not as many people. The river was cooler -I even had goose bumps.
He took such good care of me. I had all those mushy feelings. He was so handsome.
We sat on a log and had our fried chicken. It was wonderful. He saved us over and over again on the river.
The best part is when i was cold, the water was so slow, and it was getting late- he trudged through the water towing me behind. I just sat there in awe. OMG this is the Man that I fell in love with…
He got back in his tube on his stomach and paddled us in. I had a great view from behind. Those muscular legs. Those broad shoulders.
It was just an amazing experience.
Something happened to my heart.
I am pretty sure my sunshine got replenished.
So many things are changing.
Our story of falling in love and becoming one is something i can only remember. I know it happened. I wrote about it. He wrote about it. We had that connection. When he got lost I would find him. Pull him off that ledge. He would embrace me and it was a sweet song.
I don’t know exactly when but a year ago that thing that haunts him came back with an army. It is like a dark thing that wants to cover his heart and not allow it to feel. It knows I am his light and it doesn’t want him to see me. Get rid of me and it can have him all to itself. It is a destroyer.
I have watched his love for me be strangled. I try to look behind his eyes like I used to. I try to touch his heart. Time has gone by and I can’t seem to penetrate the fortress.
His heart was a fortress when I met him. He had the glimmer of hope in the possibility of love. That was the breach and a single ray of my light got in. That was enough.
That is what I hope for now. I am deeply in love. There is nothing to protect my heart. It is open and sings a song to him every day.
This separation of one into two is more painful than anything I have experienced. I feel helpless.
He needs his own life. His own place. I am supporting him. I know he is brave and strong enough to not let the destroyer win.
No one wants to hear about this story- it’s not the romantic stuff I used to write about.
Wilbear is doing what he can to help and I think he is going to write some lighter stuffy stuff. He does have his own blog.
What is this longing to leave that so many depressed people feel? I have no simple answer to that, but I can describe my own tortured experience with an almost irresistible drive to break out and start a new life.
I spent many years feeling deeply unsettled and unhappy in ways I could not understand. Flaring up in anger at my wife and three great young boys became a common occurrence. I’d carry around resentments about being held back and unsatisfied with my life, fantasizing about other places, other women, other lives I could and should be leading. My usual mode was to bottle up my deepest feelings, making it all the more likely that when they surfaced it would be in weird and destructive ways. I’d seethe with barely suppressed anger, lash out in rage and, of course, deny angrily that anything was wrong when confronted by my wife.
I was often on the verge of bolting, but there were two threads of awareness I could hold onto that restrained me invisibly. One was the inner sense that until I faced and dealt with whatever was boiling around inside me I would only transplant that misery to a new place, a new life, a new lover. However exciting I might imagine it would be to walk into that new world, I knew in my heart that it would only be a matter of time before the same problems re-emerged.
The other was a question I kept asking myself – What is it that I am leaving for? What was this great future and life that I would be stepping into? Could I even see it clearly? More often than not, the fantasy portrayed a level of excitement I was missing.
Some buried part of me knew that a life based on getting high – on non-stop brain-blowing excitement – wasn’t a life at all. Maybe it wasn’t alcohol or drugs that lured me, but it was surely the promise of intense and thrilling experience, the perpetual opening scene of an adventure film without the need to wait for the complicated plot to unravel. There was no real alternative woman out there waiting for me, only a series of fantasies with easy gratification, never the hard part of dealing with a complicated human being in a sustained relationship. And inwardly I knew that after the initial burst of energy wore off, I would still face the fears, depression and paralysis of will that had plagued me for so long.
That bit of consciousness kept me from breaking everything up and leaving the wonderful family that I’m blessed with.
So just imagine what my wife was going through. She had to face the rejection of my anger at the deepest levels. At the worst of it, she had to hear me telling her she wasn’t enough for me, that I needed more than she could give. And the tension and pain between us, the frequent rage that I felt, spilled into the lives of my children in ways that slowly and painfully were to emerge over time. That is the hardest part of talking about this now, to grasp how my closest loved ones disappeared from awareness into the haze of my own self-hatred, my own feeling of emptiness that I was desperately trying to fill. I had no idea how my behavior spread in its impact, like widening circles in water, to touch so many around me.
I’ll continue with this theme and try to get at what can be done or said to someone possessed of a longing to leave.
The whiteness of confusion
Is unfolding from my mind
I stare around in wonder
Have I left my life behind?
I catch the scent of ambergris
And turn my head, surprised
My gaze is caught and held and I
Am helpless, mesmerized
Panacea, liquid grace
Oh let me touch your fragile face
Enchantment falls around me
And I know I cannot leave
Here’s a meaning for my life
Read more: Rush – Panacea Lyrics | MetroLyrics
You got lucky babe when I found you. I had an open heart even after it had been beaten black and blue.
I had belief and hope. I had the things you wanted to feel and see in yourself. Wanted someone to see.
I took a risk that day. I came as me; purple flip flops and a smile that the world could not take.
Terrified yet bold. I know you can’t see me right now. The little one who did all those things with you. The angel, the darling, your girl. As you detach I loose all my names do I become memories.
This morning I am here. I am watching the nutria swim around and a mama and her babies. I see the ripple and the rings get further away from the center. I am a little and yes I have to be BIG and function when I feel like crying. I won’t stuff my little. I won’t leave wilbear. ( stuff my little- that is funny)
I am funny little, I am a little funny, and I am still me.
You got lucky babe
when I found you.
That is what she said…
So I told my friend I was going to write a post about her. She replied, “boring post”. Shortly after letting me know that Boring is her middle name. Excellent “B” is where I will begin. Some random words I associate with her start with the letter B:
a. Bumpers– I was introduced to this word and shown exactly how they work to keep your bowling ball out of the gutter. This was also a factor in determining the unbigness of said person.
b. Best- I have seen with my own eyes how she is the best at so many things. I have never met someone so multi- talented. I think she can sew while watching t.v, sing, txt, and snack all at the same time. Yet she can’t seem to eat jelly beans in the bath tub or walk in wedgies.
c. Beautiful- like magic
How do you describe someone who names their purses, cars, and socks? You just love them. You hurt for them when they hurt. You laugh with them.
Someone who has against all odds become a winner.
Sock monkey fanatic, word maker upper, sassy tea connoisseur, and friend to many.
Now please add you B words in the comments.