Sir and I are dedicated to each other and the lifestyle we have choose to support our relationship. We are also gelflings in the BDSM world (almost 2 years) so we are constantly learning. Everyday we read, we talk; we learn, we make mistakes but WE GROW. When each of us disappoints the other or behaves vanilla or what ever it is we do that is not very submissively or daddydomly…we hurt. I as a little can get hurt so easily and it takes time for me to find home again. But Daddies are sensitive too.
We continue to invite you to share our journey. What does that mean? It means we want to be part of a community of like minded individuals. We learn so much in Bloglandia and are making such good friends. Our word is our bond with you.
Here is what daddy wrote for me to share.
I enjoy writing about all of the things that darling and I do that help keep our connection strong. They are sexy, fun and amazing. The things we do fulfill all of our needs:physically, mentally and emotionally. When we play and everything is going perfectly it is truly awesome. Not awesome like the word is thrown around today….AWESOME, as in awe inspiring. But the truth is, not every time is awesome. Sometimes our play is great, sometimes it is good, and sometimes it is bad, even really bad. Sometimes it leaves us in a place that we despise. Disconnected and unhappy. This was the case Saturday night. This was my fault.
I had a desire in mind, I had a rough idea what the “plan” for the night would be. Then it was time to play. Our protocol for play is that we take a few minutes to talk about the play and what will happen. As we talked, darling brought up a certain kind of play that I had mentioned earlier in the week. I said sure, we can do that, even though I was not planning on it. She mentioned a couple other thoughts and I again I said sure, sounds good. I do love to please her and thought that since she desired these things, I would give them to her. But what about my desires, the ones I had thought about all day. I put them aside, I thought, I was wrong.
Although I enjoyed our play, I never fully committed to it. I never let myself go. I played with darlings body and gave her pleasure and pain. Then we were done. I did not fuck her. I did not use her body for my pleasure. There ended up being an awkward and uncomfortable ending to our play. She was left feeling as though she did something wrong and did not please me.
The reality is that I did not please myself. Again, this was my fault. I should never have based our type of play solely on what she had said. I should have told her that I desired something else. We would have talked about it and come up with a better play plan. That is what we do when we communicate properly. So the bottom line is that we went to bed feeling shitty and unconnected. Both of us slept like crap. Our hearts feeling hurt and empty.While I laid awake thinking about what had occurred, it donned on me what I had done. How my good intentions had actually backfired. I had to make it better, had to fix what I had broken. The first thing to do was going to be to admit and apologize. But there is so much more to do. I had hurt darling and she had shut down. As had I.Have you ever felt like there is an actual wall standing between you and someone else when you are looking them right in the eye from two feet away? That is what it felt like when we woke up. So we sat in bed and drank our coffee in uncomfortable silence. I told darling of my mistake and made my apology and we had some small talk about the weather and our day to come. Still distance, still hurting, but it was a start.Protocols, rules, rituals. Use them. I got in the shower and few minutes later darling came in and knelt outside the shower and waited for me. A non-formal ritual of ours. I saw her face and how difficult it was for her to be there. Not physically, emotionally she was not in a good place, but she was there, My girl was there. What happened next is how we found our way back to one another.I stepped out of the shower, dried off, hung my towel and stepped to darling. Putting my hand on her head, I began to stroke her hair. She rested her head against my legs. As I continued to stroke her hair, I felt myself begin to open up, my heart softened and my love and desire for darling grew. I reached under darlings chin and lifted her face to mine. I told darling to open and she did just as she is supposed to. Her mouth opened and I placed myself into her soft lips. I held her head in place and slid myself into her. As I grew hard inside of her mouth, I felt darlings submission to me, her desire to do as I please, to please me. My desire grew, as did I. With drool beginning to run down her chin, I began to fuck darlings mouth. She gagged and choked as I went deeper. Her arms and body trying to stay still but failing as she struggled to breath and keep from throwing up.I watched her closely. Pushing her to the edge of her struggle but not over. Just enough air and break in between the roughness of me fucking her mouth. I felt darlings submission give way to surrender. She would give herself to me now. Her mouth mine to do as I desire. I continued and she gagged and choked and puked. Wet slobber and drool ran from her mouth down the front of her nightgown and onto her lap. I held her head firmly as I came into her mouth. She swallowed most of my cum, the rest running out of her mouth with all the rest of the mess. She was covered in a wet sticky mess, crying and shaking. My darling was beautiful as I had ever seen her. Used, broken, confused and in need of my love. I knelt in front of her and kissed her messy mouth and began to clean her up. I took care of darling. Whatever she needed, I would give her. She had just given herself completely.We spent the next hour or two holding one another and talking about the previous night and the morning. What had gone wrong and how to avoid it in the future. What had gone right and how to build on it.This is a shortened and abbreviated version of the morning. She endured much, much more than I have written and there were many more emotions felt than I can properly convey in this telling. What I can tell you is that it is the most painful thing in the world when darling and I are not connected. The hardest part is seeing the pain in darlings eyes and knowing that I have failed her, that I have caused that pain. I have learned a great lesson from this weekend and will do my best to never let what happened occur again. I will not forgo my desires because they are too important and I have a beautiful girl that gives me the ability to live them out. I will use My girl and do everything in my power to keep our connection strong. I will stay open and express my devious, sadistic desires.I love My girl way to much and she deserves all of me.