Sir and I have a very simple ritual that I have clung onto as if it were the only thing keeping me from my little world ending. That moment when I humble myself and the chaos fades. When I am little and tender and vulnerable. It is about submission. It is MORE about surrender.
Last week my feelings got hurt over something very simple and possibly silly. I was getting ready for bed, Daddy was on the bed looking at his phone, all normal but this time as I approached the bed Daddy did not stop looking at his phone. I sat on the bed near him on my knees. Nothing. I got very hurt. Daddy is ignoring me. Something else is more important than ME. I would never be allowed to do that. ooops Here we go…..we are on our way to a melt down. Why? All those emotions that I used to keep bottled and under control are now open and it does not take much to launch a meltdown. Yes, I fail quite frequently on keeping my mindset.
I am spiraling, melting, and spinning. I am bubbling like a black caldron. Cooking up some anger but I am not mad at Daddy am i? My head spins, my heart starts to close, and the magical connection gets blocked and cannot flow.
I am not near. That inner voice has hardened my little heart and I am feeling more emotions than I can manage. It is chaos and I need order. I am scared and I need security. Daddy tried to ask me some questions but it did not go well and i heard that tone that makes babygirl retreat even further.
Neither of us slept that night. He got up to watch tv and I was more alone than ever. He did return and I could feel the distance as we laid there. Not touching. Not talking. It was so painful. Those voices that question why Daddy has not come to get me, to make up, to comfort me, to bring us home?
“Daddy I want to get on my mat”, I pleaded. He did not want me to. He wanted to talk, he wanted me to answer his questions of why I was mad at him. “Daddy please”, I pleaded. I knew I could not answer his questions -it was already 4am. Any conversation would be non D/s.
In my desire to follow our D/s and find my way to Daddy I got out of bed, stubbornly yet desperately got naked, and went to the middle of the room and found my mat.
I close my eyes and the eyes of my heart begin to open. My need for him pours out flooding the room.
It all changed the moment I found my position. I sat there tears falling but holding back the big sobs. Daddy heard his little. He came to me. He was still a little hurt
mad but he found me. He took my hands. I felt an instant safety. All it took was that connection and our hearts sang to each other. Pleading for us to come home.
The walls start to crumble just a little and Daddy takes my hand. I hear him. I FEEL him. I have a truth that I can see. He joins me. This ritual gesture lets me know he is WITH me.
The importance of this ritual, at this time, is it’s power to unite us.
When I let go and it pours out- I need my hero to rescue me. My heart cries out and he answers.
All falls away.
Its just us now.
Daddy sees my respect. I feel his tender love. I find my place.
Our hearts reach out to each other.
I can always feel that moment of relief and clarity when we unite.
These times are difficult on both of us. Our pasts can cause us to resort to old methods of dealing with them. Closing down, putting up walls, disconnecting….all vanilla, all poor ways of handling things. Neither of us are perfect at these times but we are both learning.I am learning to give you time to let your emotions settle. You are learning to let me know when you are ready to talk.We are using our D/s rules, rituals and protocols to help us when our emotions are getting away from us and we are spiraling out of control.Your desire to get on your mat when we were lost from one another the other night was a beautiful and strong gesture that showed me that you are committed to our relationship and our lifestyle. Your strength helped me to be strong. Your desire to repair damage done calmed my inner voice that was screaming inside my head. Your love brought me close and opened my heart.Your mat has become so much more than just a soft spot for your knees when you kneel. It is your safe place. At my feet, head on my lap, arms wrapped around my body, my hands touching softly and yet firmly, caressing you. This is also my safe place. This is where we come together.Our hearts open and our love conquers all of our fears.