I read somewhere that a love relationship can’t really be any better than the two people entering it. I thought about Sir and I and concluded that we might be blighted by our fear of abandonment. It is very primal and involuntary. It attached itself to us before we were “US”. We deal with it so that it reinforces, not destroys, our relationship. I like to read self help books and talk. Daddy and I make protocols to keep us on track. One protocol came about last night after one of my actions caused him to feel rejected. It was one of our play nights- I was sitting between his knees to connect after a long day at work. He rubbed my upper chest and I told him it was bruised. Then I guided his hand to the right when he went near another tender spot. As he touched me I kept discovering my bruised tender spots and making it known. This was most likely in a little state and not a “oh yes, touch me there sexy state”. He felt rejected and i sensed frustration that he could not touch me anywhere. We talked about all our feelings and figured things out. We now have a protocol.
Our night was fantastic. He is an amazing Man. He used me up and i was rolled up in a ball with my blanket at the end. I woke up sore as all get out. 5am ” Daddy I am scared”. In his sleep he reached out and touched me and all was well again. Just takes a simple touch.
My meltdown during subdrop:
I was looking at fetlife and saw a kinky hot picture that I knew he would like. I saw all the pictures associated with the profile and my stomach starting getting all nervous. Daddy will love all of these. He will want this girl. OMG world is ending. Blonde, giant boobs, – all the things that Daddy wants. Head spinning. Palms sweaty. Get a grip- i tell myself. I am all he needs.
I work through these feelings that are attacking me. I decide to send the link to Daddy and face my fear. Fears from the past. I decide that I need to tell Daddy what is going on so I don’t spin. My D/s saves me and I properly ask if I may talk to him about something, I sit in his lap and put my arms around his neck and all teary eyed I look him in the eyes and softly tell him.
I felt he was taking it to mean that i don’t believe or have faith in him- in us. I DO. My body is reacting to a trigger. My ptsd. He helped me understand some things and I was able to get control of my body. Heart stop beating so fast. Palms stop being clammy. I know it is hard for some to understand what i am dealing with because everyone says its no big deal it is just a picture, its not real. It triggers a past trauma – It is a big deal for me….things are much better now. I even sucked Daddy while we watched a paintoy video. that was hot. I love it when he shares with me all the dirty things he wants to do to me. with me.
It was very freeing to let that go. I put on a very pretty dress and felt amazing. It made me think about what I have…
My Owner gets up everyday and goes to work whether he wants to or not. He does not complain about it. He is always where he says he is going to be. He is loyal, smart, understanding, fun, and – he has made a commitment to me and our relationship is priority.
He is so many things to me. What is he to others? He is a father, a friend, a business owner, a big tall guy who doesn’t like anyone touching his property. He can be intimidating.
HE is MY PROTECTOR.
He gives me so much.
He is my Owner.