- Last week was busy and draining for Sir and I and we were both dropping (no doubt). I noticed he did not seem “himself”. It made me uncomfortable. The storm hit and i was caught out in it. Pelted by ice and coldness that was brittle and mean. The sky seemed to close and it just got dark. It did not get quiet though. I could hear that voice. The other. The one I call the bad other. He sent me an email.
it happened slowly. I didn’t even realize what was happening at the time. I could tell I was not where I needed be but could not pinpoint exactly what I was feeling so I did what I have always done, I ignored it and pretended that everything was okay. But it wasn’t okay, it wasn’t even remotely okay. Then just like that I lost it. I lost my control. I lost my desire. I lost my way.
The worst part was that I lost darling and I’s connection. It was not her fault but she suffered none the less. I am supposed to be her support and strength and here I was angry, confused and disconnected and taking my darkness out on her. I caused her to feel scared because she did not understand where my anger was coming from. Had she done something to make me angry? No, but I got angry at the things she did anyways.
I was in such a bad place that it would not have mattered what she did, I would have gotten angry. I shut down inside. I quit feeling and went dark. I wish I could say that I tried to fight it but I didn’t. I savored it and let it grow. I don’t understand why. Self pity, self loathing, self disgust. All of the above.
Where are you?
I can’t see you. Worse I cannot feel you.
I hear you.
I hear the other.
I hear you.
I hear your other.
Everything is colorless but I think I see red. My mind is lost and its foggy here. Where am I? Daddy I am scared. I txt Daddy, ” I feel so weak.”
“Okay babygirl. Can you tell me how?
Everyday possible Sir…like I am just barely holding on.”
“I see. Are you afraid?”
I reply, “I don’t allow myself to be afraid right now. It would not be pertinent as I am trying to sustain on an already low battery.” Daddy asks what has caused my battery to be low. He is trying to understand the cause of my weakness so he can give me what i need. I concisely tell him, ” Lack of: proper sleep, fuel, water, and order in my world to balance with negative input received. This is a guess (i add that as a cover my ass)…
I decide that my best option is to defragment my hard drive which is code of letting my mind process things in the background, so I am not aware, bundle all the icky, and delete it. Little logic at its best. I also have my MB that I can consult. Wilbear is on vacation.
Stormy weather. Little has cloaked herself in a protective rain coat. She keeps it close and slips it on when the hard pellets of the ice storm hit. She is fragile and must protect herself. It is how she survives in this world. One of her many devices. As the storm sets in she buttons up and closes down. The protector has grown with the little girl all her life. They are bound; they are one.
Last night I asked Daddy to feast upon me and satisfy his desires and open me up. I was used roughly and left gaping and dripping full of him. I did not fully open. I still feel numb. I am on the edge of that cliff that I need to fall from. I need to cry. I need to trust and find him. I need to find myself.
Daddy? Where am I
I can’t feel
I can’t see
I think I hurt but I have numbed the pain. I have numbed it all.
Come rescue me. Open me. Use me to get rid of all that darkness and let my light fill you. My light is on the inside and you can bring it out again. I think you will have to get inside me Daddy. Not an easy choice for you because my body feels like shutting down. So tired.
After- take care of me. You be Daddy. I will be little.