Messages Exchanged in the Dark

  • Last week was busy and draining for Sir and I and we were both dropping (no doubt).  I noticed he did not seem “himself”.  It made me uncomfortable.   The storm hit and i was caught out in it.  Pelted by ice and coldness that was brittle and mean.  The sky seemed to close and it just got dark.  It did not get quiet though.  I could hear that voice.  The other.  The one I call the bad other. He sent me an email.

it happened slowly. I didn’t even realize what was happening at the time. I could tell I was not where I needed be but could not pinpoint exactly what I was feeling so I did what I have always done, I ignored it and pretended that everything was okay. But it wasn’t okay, it wasn’t even remotely okay. Then just like that I lost it. I lost my control. I lost my desire. I lost my way.

The worst part was that I lost darling and I’s connection. It was not her fault but she suffered none the less. I am supposed to be her support and strength and here I was angry, confused and disconnected and taking my darkness out on her. I caused her to feel scared because she did not understand where my anger was coming from. Had she done something to make me angry? No, but I got angry at the things she did anyways.

I was in such a bad place that it would not have mattered what she did, I would have gotten angry. I shut down inside. I quit feeling and went dark. I wish I could say that I tried to fight it but I didn’t. I savored it and let it grow. I don’t understand why. Self pity, self loathing, self disgust. All of the above.

I wanted to run away and hide. Hide from darling, hide from my responsibilities and my life. I wanted to fall into the rabbit hole and let the darkness envelope me so that I would not have to feel anymore.
It was too much for me and I could not find my words to tell darling what was happening. But I could find the words to hurt, I could find the angry voice and I did. I spewed my venom and it struck my beautiful girl and then I saw what my poison did. The pain and sorrow that it was causing darling. She cried and I saw her for just who she is. My Angel. My light. My reason for being a better man than I have been.  My love.   It was in that moment that clarity came to me and I saw just exactly what I was doing. Sabotage.
The worst kind of sabotage. Life. I could have crumbled our world to the ground at that moment. I had put all the pieces in place to make that happen. I could have with just a few more venomous words destroyed everything that we have worked so hard to build.
I chose light. I chose love. I chose darling. Or rather, she chose me. When she gave herself to me, she showed me a strength that I have never known, never had. The strength of her light that has saved me over and over since we first met was right there. I had forgotten just how important her light is to me. How much it keeps me safe from my demons.
I have lots of demons, lots of darkness, lots of fears. My girl was right there next to me and in that moment I found my words, I found my strength. My tears flowed and I told her of my pain. I let my emotions out and darling held me and told me it was okay. She did not have to, I had been mean and spiteful, yet when I opened my walls and was honest she took care of me.   She brought me home like she has done in the past and I am sure she will have to do in the future because even though I am her Daddy and Sir, I still need her to save me some days.
I would love to say that at that moment all was right in our world, but that would be a lie. Last night we did what we do. My girl gave herself to me and satisfied my beast. I took her roughly and she felt my desire, my control and my power. She gave herself to me and I in turn felt her desire, her submission, her surrender.
 But even now, a day later I realize just how tenuous things are. We have stayed in contact all day and I cannot wait to get home to darling. We will talk, and hold one another and again do what we do. We will work on our connection, our commitment, our love. For there is nothing in this world for us without it.
There is nothing in this world for me without her. I am who I am today because of My girl, because My darling gives herself to me completely and allows me to grow and learn and become a better person, a better man, a better Daddy and Dom.
I love you babygirl. I love you with every ounce of my being. I would do anything in my power to keep you safe and I am so incredibly sorry for my weaknesses that sometimes cause you pain. You are my world darling. Thank you for being the light that shines on it and keeps me from the darkness that I once new.
Your Daddy forever….Your Sir….Your Man

—————

Where are you?

I can’t see you. Worse I cannot feel you.

I hear you.

I hear the other.

I hear you.

I hear your other.   

Everything is colorless but I think I see red.  My mind is lost and its foggy here.  Where am I?  Daddy I am scared.  I txt Daddy, ” I feel so weak.”

“Okay babygirl.  Can you tell me how?

Everyday possible Sir…like I am just barely holding on.”

“I see. Are you afraid?”

I reply, “I don’t allow myself to be afraid right now.  It would not be pertinent as I am trying to sustain on an already low battery.”   Daddy asks what has caused my battery to be low.   He is trying to understand the cause of my weakness so he can give me what i need.    I concisely tell him, ” Lack of: proper sleep, fuel, water, and order in my world to balance with negative input received.  This is a guess (i add that as a cover my ass)…

I decide that my best option is to defragment my hard drive which is code of letting  my mind process things in the background, so I am not aware,  bundle all the icky, and delete it.  Little logic at its best.  I also have my MB that I can consult.   Wilbear is on vacation.

Stormy weather.  Little has cloaked herself in a protective rain coat.  She keeps it close and slips it on when the hard pellets of the ice storm hit.  She is fragile and must protect herself.  It is how she survives in this world.  One of her many devices.  As the storm sets in she buttons up and closes down.  The protector has grown with the little girl all her life. They are bound; they are one.

Last night I asked Daddy to feast upon me and satisfy his desires and open me up.  I was used roughly and left gaping and dripping full of him.  I did not fully open.  I still feel numb.  I am on the edge of that cliff that I need to fall from.  I need to cry.  I need to trust and find him.  I need to find myself.

Daddy?  Where am I

I can’t feel

I can’t see

I think I hurt but I have numbed the pain.  I have numbed it all.

Come rescue me.   Open me.   Use me to get rid of all that darkness and let my light fill you.   My light is  on the inside and you can bring it out again.   I think you will have to get inside me Daddy.  Not an easy choice for you because my body feels like shutting down.  So tired.

After- take care of me.   You be Daddy.  I will be little.

his angel

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9 thoughts on “Messages Exchanged in the Dark

  1. Hugs. This was a tough post to read. Being this brutally honest is like stripping your skin down to rawness. You both continue to steal my heart with your courage and strength to battle for each other. Real love is worth that. Real strength lies in the battle not the conquering.

    • Thank you honey…yah, I know I never say stuff like that…I may need a little intervention. A giggle…..

      • A little LOVE intervention – with paddles and crops and cuffs and smiles from ear to ear. You guys are shining stars that just had a little cloud move over the shine. I believe in a love like yours. It’s bigger than anything that comes your way.

  2. So much passion in your post. Thank you for sharing ~ k

  3. I could feel your darkness in your writing but also your light…thank you for sharing. Hugs ❤️❤️❤️

  4. This was hard to read, yet so beautiful, too. To hear how you truly love each other for better or for worse; priceless.

    Ash

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