I read it’s like walking towards the sunset… “You can see the light ahead of you, but even when you’re basking in the warmth of the light, you’re always aware that the darkness isn’t more than a heartbeat away.” quoted resource
In our relationship there are so many yin and yang aspects but we remain each other’s strength. It is so hard when no one seems to understand what you feel like; I am so proud of you Daddy for writing this and shedding light. You are so strong. Thank you for keeping your promise-even in the dark.
I have a cold hatred inside towards people, towards life, towards myself. When it surfaces I am dead, I am death…..the depth of black darkness that resides in me is such that once enveloped by it, I lose myself to the insanity of blankness.This is how it is when my darkness comes.I have written before about how darling saved me in my darkest time. At the time, I was done with love, done with trying to be open to another. I had walked out on my second unhappy marriage and walked into the worst relationship I have ever had with a woman. My already jaded beliefs of what trusting someone gets me were darkened further and I fell deep into my abyss.darling saved me from my darkness with her light and love. She showed me that I can open my heart to her and trust that she will not purposely do anything to harm me in that vulnerable place. Our love grew over time and continues to do so everyday.Yet still there is the darkness pulling me. My fears, my mistrusts, my lack of belief in myself and others. That nagging voice in my head that says I am going to be hurt. It creeps up on me and before I know it I am lost again. Lost in a feeling of blank nothingness. It is not so much that I don’t love, I continue to do what I believe is best for us, it is just that there is no feeling in it, I just do what needs to be done. My emotions go numb and all feeling goes away. There is no joy, no pain, but there is anger. Oh how the anger comes. And I use it greedily. And people get hurt…..darling gets hurt.I know that anger is not a true emotion, rather it is a secondary emotion. It is a reaction to other emotions that for me can be frustration, confusion, fear, or any number of other negative feelings that come over me. It is a weakness that I have built over the years because I did not understand that there is a better way. I did not have the skills needed to understand my feelings and keep the negativity from building up. Even though I have learned about myself and these things, I still struggle with my emotions and keeping the darkness from growing.Most recently, darling and I have been having struggles with communication and other things that any married couple have. We have been together 2 1/2 years and this is that time when things just become hard for some reason. Add that to our bad past relationship triggers and you have a recipe for disaster. And of course there is the D/s life that we are learning to live as well.This is the first D/s relationship either one of us has had and it is not always easy. She is a strong intelligent woman, submissive to me but not submissive. I am not a natural born Dom type. When it is needed I can lead very well, I also can give in to avoid confrontation, sometimes when it is not what I truly want.I blew it lately. I did not handle our struggles properly. I closed down again and let the darkness take me. I shut off my emotions and went into a bad place where my thoughts became jumbled and confused. I built a wall that kept all love out and allowed emptiness to fill my heart.The worst part of all is how this affected darling. It is so painful for her. I know that without her my life will be worse than with her. I know that she gives herself to me completely. I know that she loves me with every little piece of herself. Yet I push her away and do the most damaging things. The other day my anger spilled out and I yelled at her and scared her. In my attempt to not do it again a couple nights ago, I nearly left. Both of these actions were done while in my darkness.I don’t understand it. It’s scary to not feel and to let myself go deeper into the darkness even when it is the last place I want to be. Sometimes I feel as though I am going crazy. I worry that darling will stop loving me. I know that I can self sabotage and worry that I will. Of course these worries and fears drag me into that dark place as well so I fight to not let them take hold.I have a dream life. I have a beautiful, sexy, smart girl that will do anything for me. I have a beautiful family and good friends. I have a nice home and a good business. Did I mention the girl….what a girl. She truly is everything to me. I love darling so much. Even so, it is not always perfect or easy. There is life and sometimes life is painful. Sometimes My girls strength is greater than mine and she once again saves me from my darkness.I wrote this for myself, to get it out of my head. If you have read this to this point, thank you. If you are My darling, you are the most precious gift I have ever received, you light my world and help me fight my darkness. I love you and will always keep fighting to be a better man for you, for me, for us.