psychological purgatory

sunset

I read it’s like walking towards the sunset… “You can see the light ahead of you, but even when you’re basking in the warmth of the light, you’re always aware that the darkness isn’t more than a heartbeat away.” quoted resource

In our relationship there are so many yin and yang aspects but we remain each other’s strength.   It is so hard when no one seems to understand what you feel like; I am so proud of you Daddy for writing this and shedding light.   You are so strong.  Thank you for keeping your promise-even in the dark.

 

I have a cold hatred inside towards people, towards life, towards myself. When it surfaces I am dead, I am death…..the depth of black darkness that resides in me is such that once enveloped by it, I lose myself to the insanity of blankness.
This is how it is when my darkness comes.
I have written before about how darling saved me in my darkest time. At the time, I was done with love, done with trying to be open to another. I had walked out on my second unhappy marriage and walked into the worst relationship I have ever had with a woman. My already jaded beliefs of what trusting someone gets me were darkened further and I fell deep into my abyss.
darling saved me from my darkness with her light and love. She showed me that I can open my heart to her and trust that she will not purposely do anything to harm me in that vulnerable place. Our love grew over time and continues to do so everyday.
Yet still there is the darkness pulling me.  My fears, my mistrusts, my lack of belief in myself and others. That nagging voice in my head that says I am going to be hurt. It creeps up on me and before I know it I am lost again. Lost in a feeling of blank nothingness. It is not so much that I don’t love, I continue to do what I believe is best for us, it is just that there is no feeling in it, I just do what needs to be done.   My emotions go numb and all feeling goes away.   There is no joy, no pain, but there is anger.   Oh how the anger comes. And I use it greedily.   And people get hurt…..darling gets hurt.
I know that anger is not a true emotion, rather it is a secondary emotion. It is a reaction to other emotions that for me can be frustration, confusion, fear, or any number of other negative feelings that come over me.   It is a weakness that I have built over the years because I did not understand that there is a better way.   I did not have the skills needed to understand my feelings and keep the negativity from building up. Even though I have learned about myself and these things, I still struggle with my emotions and keeping the darkness from growing.
Most recently, darling and I have been having struggles with communication and other things that any married couple have. We have been together 2 1/2 years and this is that time when things just become hard for some reason. Add that to our bad past relationship triggers and you have a recipe for disaster. And of course there is the D/s life that we are learning to live as well.
This is the first D/s relationship either one of us has had and it is not always easy. She is a strong intelligent woman, submissive to me but not submissive. I am not a natural born Dom type. When it is needed I can lead very well, I also can give in to avoid confrontation, sometimes when it is not what I truly want.
I blew it lately. I did not handle our struggles properly. I closed down again and let the darkness take me. I shut off my emotions and went into a bad place where my thoughts became jumbled and confused.  I built a wall that kept all love out and allowed emptiness to fill my heart.
The worst part of all is how this affected darling. It is so painful for her. I know that without her my life will be worse than with her.   I know that she gives herself to me completely.   I know that she loves me with every little piece of herself. Yet I push her away and do the most damaging things.   The other day my anger spilled out and I yelled at her and scared her. In my attempt to not do it again a couple nights ago, I nearly left. Both of these actions were done while in my darkness.
I don’t understand it. It’s scary to not feel and to let myself go deeper into the darkness even when it is the last place I want to be. Sometimes I feel as though I am going crazy. I worry that darling will stop loving me. I know that I can self sabotage and worry that I will. Of course these worries and fears drag me into that dark place as well so I fight to not let them take hold.
I have a dream life. I have a beautiful, sexy, smart girl that will do anything for me. I have a beautiful family and good friends. I have a nice home and a good business. Did I mention the girl….what a girl. She truly is everything to me. I love darling so much. Even so, it is not always perfect or easy. There is life and sometimes life is painful. Sometimes My girls strength is greater than mine and she once again saves me from my darkness.
I wrote this for myself, to get it out of my head. If you have read this to this point, thank you. If you are My darling, you are the most precious gift I have ever received, you light my world and help me fight my darkness. I love you and will always keep fighting to be a better man for you, for me, for us.

 

Advertisements

15 thoughts on “psychological purgatory

  1. Lots of hard truths here for a lot of people. Hugs for both of my dear friends.

  2. Darling, you have a great (and real) man. You are beautiful people inside and out (I’ve seen pics.) (Am I allowed to say that?) Thank you both for sharing these little gems. They inspire. ❤️

  3. Very powerful. I think we all have a darkness inside, but I believe there is light in all of us as well. The darkness may take on different forms for each of us and conquering it is often easier said than done. Yet, the light is always there. You’re blessed to have someone by your side to point you toward it.

  4. So deeply appreciated by this woman who has walked with her only love through his dark halls of self-hate and anger. Keep walking together.

    We are 40 years down the road the road now and we will both tell you without hesitation that the longer we walked, the deeper the light was able to penetrate and burn away his pain.

    Thank you for sharing!

    • Thank you for your Word. I Appreciate insight from someone who has made it out of the dark forest. W/we are holding hands tighter now.

      • Keep on keepin’ on. You are two beautiful and open souls that I have the utmost respect for. You have no idea how much you two have taught this old gal over the past year and a half and I will forever be rooting for you to make it to your paradise of light.

      • ahhh. really? i never even know people read this blog. I so want to connect!! thank you for seeing our commitment and being so open minded. hugs back

      • You do! SLD, I am a very ‘here I am, teach me gal.’ I will always try and challenge the programming of my youth. I grew up in an abusive home and initially I felt the tug to turn away but I listened to my inner voice – the one that challenges me to keep growing and I saw you both through the eyes of a free woman not a frightened child. It was LOVELY❤️

  5. I read his writing earlier on Fet and loved it. It takes such courage to open up and share something so deep and personal and it is much appreciated.:-)

  6. What I hear when reading this post, is that while loving darling is easy ( nobody is always easy to love… No matter how Darling 😄 but for purposes of what I’m trying to say here ….. Loving yourself is hard.
    I am going to tell you that this has to be priority number one… I know you work on this already. Work harder.whatever it takes. Because YOU deserve it. You BOTH deserve it.
    I have been lucky enough to see the light and beauty in both of you. And in the darkness… Remember that is when stars shine brightest 😄❤️

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s