the symptoms of ptsd burn up energy . i need days to recuperate after a social event/interaction. Husband doesn’t schedule us consecutive events without knowing the effect on us. Additional work he will have to do to take care of my needs and my state of being.
Today I am wearing the same outfit I wore yesterday EXCEPT i changed the color of my flip flops: pink to purple. I attended a social event two days ago and i am still tired. My therapist asked me what was so exhausting about the event. It was the level of enthusiasm we were told to sustain, waving those flapping plastic shaped hands on a stick to make a clapping sounds, the constant watchful eye rewarding those “more enthusiastic” with fake money that somehow equates to points? Yah. (and i totally expect people to say wth kinda event was that) right? The recipe for tiredness also has a cup of stress from conflict in our relationship, a warm room, and chairs that made my back and butt hurt.
Then there is the really big events: rock concerts in big cities.
I can be scared to do things. Husband enjoys rock concerts and we have attended one RUSH concert together. I was overwhelmed by the crowd and noise. People bumping into me, the extreme loudness, the length of time the event took- all made me anxious. Simple things scare me: people on the street, the unknown, loud, and hot.
I was anxious BEFORE the concert. His birthday gift to me and I was frowning, not wanting to go, having bad dreams, and it took a toll on his ego and respect meter. I think he is learning to change his expectations of me jumping up and down doing the yays a concert, you are the best, omg fantastic dance. It has to be okay that I am not excited to go; this is about ptsd not Him. I am scared. I will cry. I will survive it. Husband will protect me as i learn to overcome the crippling symptoms. W/we try not to let them disrupt our life.
Husband shows patience and gets me earplugs, helps me pick out an outfit, and puts my little wrist bracelet leash on me. He tries to get end seats in a location that will be better for me. The sudden loud noises of the Pyrotechnics going off caused me to cry. He calmed me and held my hand.
I felt like a scared little child as each time the crowd roared my little hands went to cover my ears. It is also somewhat embarrassing once you realize your hottie of a Husband is watching you as you try to hold back those tears.
My RUSH concert shirt is now my safety shirt that gets worn a lot and on consecutive days. It represents my strength and His love and protection.
My ptsd symptoms effect my Husband
- Always being on guard for danger
- Being easily startled or frightened
- Noise sensitivity- ptsd stressors, like tapping, high pitched sounds, competing sounds,kids screaming not just loud noises. The movie theatre is too loud for me so imagine a concert.
to be continued…