It started at a young age- the burning desire to know if the person you liked felt the same affection for you. If they “liked liked” you. Especially when crushes were on someone that you didn’t talk to or possibly even know it could not be behavior based. It might have been a boy in fourth grade or someone from Tiger Beat. The mystery was easily solved with magical thinking and a handful of daisies.
Remember laying in the grass, feeling the sun shine on you, while you held a little white flower in your hand that had the answers to your destiny? Plucking a single petal off as if you would die without this little knowing flower;“he loves me- He loves me not”. Such magical thinking. Yes we all pulled those petals off until we got the answer we wanted right?
I still find myself seeking re-affirmation of my partner’s love.
I last posted about my D offering to help with making the dinner bread. What you don’t know is I had heard the song Skyfall on the radio and put us into the words. THAT IS US. That is him. The mindset before writing that little post. Him offering to help with dinner was the he loves me, he loves me not.
Reality is he did not want the dog to eat the bread so he offered to do it if I a was going to change my clothes. Does it change anything? NO. we still keep pulling of the petals until we get the answer we want.
The interesting thing is to look at the ways we replace the daisy with other behaviors. Looking for evidence that the other person feels the same way we do.
Do these become tests? If he loves me he will sleep with me. If he sleeps on the couch- he loves me not. If he loves me he will come after me. He lets me leave the room upset- he loves me not.
The love me not method to re- affirm affection leaves out the other person. When we were younger crushes were about fantasy. Day dreaming how things might be. It was not about the other person’s feelings.
Didn’t we spend lots of time thinking how it might be? Do we still spend time with those thoughts? How do the images we see feed the fantasy and not the reality?
Do we also shape tests into validating our D/s? If he was a Dom he would tell me to drink my water, or kneel. Those are unfair tests. They are one sided. Isn’t it unsubmissive to be administering tests?
He loves, He loves me not. That seems a discussion between the two of us. I should let him know what I need to feel loved and I want to know what HE NEEDS too.