“They demand so much; Does it deprive me if I give in?” he wondered.
He sat on the couch drinking his coffee. The warmth of the sweetness made him content yet he knew he was missing something. He didn’t want to be alone but he was unable to be with them emotionally.
His Catch 22: wanting affection yet fearing it as his destruction.
“Dependency? but I can only rely on myself. I have always, in the end, had to rely on myself.” sipping his thoughts he began to stare out the window. Yes he wanted the attention but was fearful of being swallowed up.
He resented feeling dependant on them and often made them feel like nothing. Neglecting them because really they only caused his frustration, right?
But yet he stayed because he needs. The voice says, ” be here for me but don’t come to close- don’t burden me with your needs and expectations”.
BE with them but without part of yourself: the fail safe.
” I can almost remember when I met you; I had given up. An entire life of searching for love and it always turned to pain. Its just that women are not trustworthy: they change. They betray, the guilt me, they reject me, they fail.”
It is that desire to be understood which forces me …I mean everytime I meet the one who understands me and I believe in love again- they change.”
It’s the story of the boy, the man who id denied his love.
to be continued
I get up earlier- even setting a second alarm in case my live cat alarm is off. I mean I can coax my cat to crawl back under the covers which is basically like hitting the snooze button.
I wear my converse or tennis shoes rather than try and maneuver a 70lb dog in heels. I often sport a ponytail too. I don’t wear as much make up. Self explanatory.
I carry treats, doggy bags, and have given up my sports car for the time being. I have been to the pet store more than the clothing store. My therapist is seeing me every 3 weeks now. Getting ready to cut the cord. Eeek. She says I have a Therapy Dog now. I feel like I have something I needed? Someone who goes into the world with me when I would otherwise be alone. A strength who needs my strength.
Stewart Little used to do this. He would go everywhere with me/with us. But he went with little. I spose I needed something to go with BIG. just a theory.
One of my birthday presents was a shirt that says #DogMom’sLife.
How does it affect my relationship with My Man? We live and learn. We fight and love. It is like adding another child to a couple who have completely different parenting styles and goals. I knew this when I embarked.
My Man who is now the doggy daddy has worked hard to be able to afford the kennels, food, fencing, and training for our new guy. I appreciate him taking on this added responsibility. He gets up earlier too. He walks in the rain. He continues to show me he is Mr. Dependable.
It started at a young age- the burning desire to know if the person you liked felt the same affection for you. If they “liked liked” you. Especially when crushes were on someone that you didn’t talk to or possibly even know it could not be behavior based. It might have been a boy in fourth grade or someone from Tiger Beat. The mystery was easily solved with magical thinking and a handful of daisies.
Remember laying in the grass, feeling the sun shine on you, while you held a little white flower in your hand that had the answers to your destiny? Plucking a single petal off as if you would die without this little knowing flower;“he loves me- He loves me not”. Such magical thinking. Yes we all pulled those petals off until we got the answer we wanted right?
I still find myself seeking re-affirmation of my partner’s love.
I last posted about my D offering to help with making the dinner bread. What you don’t know is I had heard the song Skyfall on the radio and put us into the words. THAT IS US. That is him. The mindset before writing that little post. Him offering to help with dinner was the he loves me, he loves me not.
Reality is he did not want the dog to eat the bread so he offered to do it if I a was going to change my clothes. Does it change anything? NO. we still keep pulling of the petals until we get the answer we want.
The interesting thing is to look at the ways we replace the daisy with other behaviors. Looking for evidence that the other person feels the same way we do.
Do these become tests? If he loves me he will sleep with me. If he sleeps on the couch- he loves me not. If he loves me he will come after me. He lets me leave the room upset- he loves me not.
The love me not method to re- affirm affection leaves out the other person. When we were younger crushes were about fantasy. Day dreaming how things might be. It was not about the other person’s feelings.
Didn’t we spend lots of time thinking how it might be? Do we still spend time with those thoughts? How do the images we see feed the fantasy and not the reality?
Do we also shape tests into validating our D/s? If he was a Dom he would tell me to drink my water, or kneel. Those are unfair tests. They are one sided. Isn’t it unsubmissive to be administering tests?
He loves, He loves me not. That seems a discussion between the two of us. I should let him know what I need to feel loved and I want to know what HE NEEDS too.
When it seems to crumble that is when we stand tall….
Sir stood at the counter last night prepared to wait for the oven to preheat then put the bread in the oven. This touched me. He worked all day and yet here he was. I told him to go rest and I would call him for dinner.
We had not eaten the comfort food that I prepared yet we were already comforting one another in the smallest of ways.
I know when the sky falls you will stand tall.
When I first met my Man he called me His Angel. Saving him from a dark place were his defining words. To my Angel… was the heading on many a note.
These days I feel more like the nemesis in his story. Placed with all the other women in his life who have hurt him. When did I fall from grace? I don’t know.
I know the pain.